From Relationship to Engagement

Whether the ward fosters your relationship, or you find it on your own, there will be a point in time when it will turn from relationship to engagement. The biggest and most wonderfully awesome decision you may ever make will be when that boy gets down on his knee and asks the question every girl dreams of hearing "Will you Marry Me?" With your one word answer your very life will be changed whether you say yes or no.

So what happens between the girlfriend question to the marriage question. Well I believe it is a crazy little thing called love. True, deep, pure love. Even the kind of love we hear about it fairy tales, the love that conquers or will come to conquer all. It should be love unmatched to any love you have know. Selfless and real. When it enters the heart and is solidified by the choice made to love someone with all that you have, relationship turns into engagement.

Remember the little rhyme Sally and Johnny sitting in a tree K-I-S-S-I-N-G. First comes love, then comes marriage, than comes a baby in the baby carriage. Well love precedes marriage. I think the rhyming people got it right.

Of course there are other things that are considered during the relationship process and before marriage. Things like trust, friendship, being able to have a good time together, sharing dreams and goals and aspirations, having common ideals, and an assortment of others.

But love may potentially be the highest on my list.

So how do you define love? What is the best definition of true love that you have heard or said?

I have a favorite from Dr. Seuss.

"You know your in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams."

And I love a little Rascal Flatts:

"Love who you love. With all that you have. And don't waste the time that flies so fast. Love who you love. And say that you do. Hold on as tight as they'll let you."

Fostering Relationships

So I went to a ward council meeting on sunday. I think what happens at ward council is suppose to stay at ward council. But something was just too funny not to share with the roommates. And I guess it was just too funny to not share with the blogging world.

A counselor in the Bishopric was ending the important events and decided we needed to discuss a thought provoking question. Does our ward need to foster relationships? Not just friendship relationships. Romantic relationships. In our ward.

So I came home an announced it to Allred 11. Ash and I went further in discussion. Are relationships struggling in the mormon college world where the ward needs to intervene?

So what do you think? Do wards need to help college students out in their search for an eternal companion? And if we do, how do we do it?

Moving On

The dating scene is great, but there is obviously a time to move on. After a number of dates with a person, and a desire to get to know this person one on one, a boy may pose the question "Would you like to take our relationship to the next level? You know be exclusive?" Or something along those lines.

Before you answer consider this. Post mission during the college dating scene your answer should be based on the following idea. Don't go exclusive unless you are ready to consider the possibility of eternal marriage with them.

Interesting huh? I thought so too as I learned about this in my LDS marriage and family class. But it makes sense. At this point in my life, and in the lives of those that are trying to move from dating into relationships, this question is very applicable. What is the point of being in a relationship with someone if you do not want it to progress? I am not saying that you have to be ready to say yes if they immediately follow up with the engagement question, but the engagement question after a period of relationship may be, in your mind, a possibility in the future.

So when a boy asks you "You want to make this relationship exclusive?" (Or anything along those lines)... when you say yes you may also be saying " I think I might be interested in seeing if we could be together forever."

A Final Word on Dating

To The Women on Dating

Young women, resist too much hanging out, and encourage dates that are simple, inexpensive, and frequent. Don’t make it easy for young men to hang out in a setting where you women provide the food. Don’t subsidize freeloaders. An occasional group activity is OK, but when you see men who make hanging out their primary interaction with the opposite sex, I think you should lock the pantry and bolt the front door.

If you do this, you should also hang up a sign, “Will open for individual dates,” or something like that. And, young women, please make it easier for these shy males to ask for a simple, inexpensive date. Part of making it easier is to avoid implying that a date is something very serious. If we are to persuade young men to ask for dates more frequently, we must establish a mutual expectation that to go on a date is not to imply a continuing commitment. Finally, young women, if you turn down a date, be kind. Otherwise you may crush a nervous and shy questioner and destroy him as a potential dater, and that could hurt some other sister.

- Dallin H. Oaks

To The Men on Dating

Men have the initiative, and you men should get on with it. If you don’t know what a date is, perhaps this definition will help. I heard it from my 18-year-old granddaughter. A “date” must pass the test of three p’s: (1) planned ahead, (2) paid for, and (3) paired off.

…Simple and more frequent dates allow both men and women to “shop around” in a way that allows extensive evaluation of the prospects. The old-fashioned date was a wonderful way to get acquainted with a member of the opposite sex. It encouraged conversation. It allowed you to see how you treat others and how you are treated in a one-on-one situation. It gave opportunities to learn how to initiate and sustain a mature relationship. None of that happens in hanging out.

-Dallin H. Oaks

A List of Date Ideas For You- A List Complied by asking college students what their best dates have been. Thanks to everyone who helped the cause.

Make Dinner Together

Picnic Date

Breakfast Date

Fast Food Progressive Dinner (Taco Bell for the appetizer, Subway for Main Course, Jamba for a smoothie.)

Interactive Museum

Roast Marshmallows/ S’mores

Smoothie Experimenting Date

Cookie Making/ Delivering

Volunteer Date

Ice Blocking

Flying a Kite

Study Date (Take a tablecloth, electric candle, and chocolate kisses to the library. Spread them out and study)

Hike

College Sporting Event

Competitive Sporting Date (Basketball, Volleyball, Tennis games, Bowling)

Competitive Video Game Date

Scavenger Hunt Date

Mini Golf

Pumpkin Carving Competition

Biking

Christmas Ornament Making Date

Shovel and Old Ladies sidewalk then have Hot Chocolate

Sledding

Go to a new restaurant and split a decadent dessert!

Tye Dye Socks

Go Star Gazing

Tandem Bike Ride

Get Mentos and Diet Coke and Put on a Fountain Show

Have a Decades Date (Dress up like you are from the 40’s or 50’s or 60’s ect. Eat a food from the era. Listen to music from the era. Love the era.)

Have A Wildlife Tee Shirt Date

Go Carts

Archery

Sit on the Roof and watch the sun go down or look at the stars and listen to the song Up on the Roof

Have a budgeted date. You can only spend $5 get creative

Going to the beach like in the late afternoon and hiking this hill and watching the sun set into the ocean.

Hitting glow stick juice covered golf balls off a cliff or into a lake after dusk.

Playing broom hockey on Utah lake.

Dinner at the Canon Center then walk to the bell tower and make banana boats on the lights with tin foil. Then walk over to DT field and watch a movie on a laptop.

Dinner where ever, Planetarium show on campus. Return to apartment and make 2-liter water rockets while watching Space Jam (or any other space themed movie) and then launch the rockets using a launcher.

Take the date on a semi short but long enough hike and then have a back pack with a little stove and cook up some natural tea (boil cinnamon sticks in water, add sugar), enjoy the company and the scenery.

Before dinner, go around, in the mall perhaps, and take a bunch of pictures together, get them developed, and then during dinner, write some funny captions on the back of the pictures. Then put them into a little photo album and give it to the girl at the end of the date.

I like simplicity, nothing too complicated.

Dating Through the Ages.

For todays Application I decided to get a little idea about how dating has changed through the ages. In order to get a taste of dating, I asked my grandparents, parents, and people my age what their best date ever was. The results are in.

Grandpa Hart- When I was dating in high school and college my favorite dates were going on a hay ride to somewhere in nature where we would get out and eat some dinner. The hay ride was fun and food was involved.

Grandma Hart- I loved dancing. In Salt Lake there were places that had live bands. We would each get a dance card and it was the best of times. I have fond memories of those experiences.

Combined Grandma and Grandpa Hart Best Date- We got a bicycle built for two. Grandpa packed the picnic basket and brought the blanket. They biked to a local park, set up the scene, and ate the delicious dinner. Then Grandma wanted to swing. So they found the nearest swing set. Well the rest is history. AHHH. Cute.

Dad- I loved Hay rides (hmm sounds kind of familiar). I also had a really good dance date. The church was celebrating 150 years. It was a formal dance in Salt Lake and it was so good.

Mom- In our day we had firesides dates. Awesome huh. We also did a lot of game nights. I pretty much liked any interactive date where we could just talk and get to know each other.

Combined Mom and Dad- We went to a Homecoming Dance right after we were engaged. We were young and in LOVE. And the rest is history.

Modern Boy #1-Dinner, then, go to a church gym or something and face paint each other with glow in the dark paint and then play glow in the dark dodgeball (with newspaper rolled into balls and then tapped to retain the shape), glow sticks and wristbands can be included as well. Then return to an apartment and dish ice cream and toppings into a rain gutter (new, unused of course) and just enjoy eating out of a rain gutter.

Modern Girl #1- My friend hadn't seen avatar so I made him wear all blue, I wore all blue, we watched avatar, and I made us all blue snacks haha (blue powerade, blue bug juice, blue corn chips, blue jello, all the blue skittles, and blueberry bagels with blueberry cream cheese and blueberry yogurt!) It was very fun!

Dating has changed, but it still provides the opportunity for the same purposes. Dating is a pre-requisite to eternal marriage. So it is an important step in the whole Marriage and Family Scheme.

A Story of Service

In my ward we have a really neat service organization. Service in the ward naturally connects to dating. So the co-chairs of the service committee put those two things into action and thus we see: service dates.

Service dates are pretty much like an arranged marriage, without the commitment attached. But really a boy and a girl are just picked out of a hat, come together, and go do an hour of service. I was lucky enough to be randomly chosen last week. Here is my story of service.

The Man: David

The Date: DI Unloading

I was especially lucky because in the midst of trying to figure out how to set up the service dates I was not announced at ward prayer like previous girls had been. David had to come and ask me in person after he drew my name from a hat. He came by during the day on Thursday when only my roommate Katie was home. Since I was not home Katie said she could just give him my number so he could call. He said he would like to ask in person and would just come back later that night (bonus points). Later that night he did come back. He asked me. I accepted. I noticed a very apparent difference in the way he asked for the date and the ways that I have previously been asked (pre mission vs. post mission?). In his experience he had it confidently aligned into a question of clarity. All bases were covered. Time. Date. Location. What I should wear. Perfect.

Well Saturday came around and he was here to pick me up right on time (double/triple/ quadruple bonus points.) If you want to start a date off right, pick her up on time. We drove to the DI, completed our service assignment and then some, and went to get ice cream for our efforts.

We reported a good date and a good time at the next ward prayer.

Dates do not have to be extravagant or expensive. They do not have to extend across hours of activities. They can be simple. They can be productive. They can be fun, even if you are with a complete stranger.

Dating 101

Well it's a new week and a new topic.

The topic of choice is Dating.

Dating is a wonderfully funny and great thing. I personally love dating. Especially college style dating. It is good, bad, and sometimes it is just awkward. No matter the style of dating (whether good, bad, or awkward) I will always feel inclined to say Yes.

So why is it such a struggle for some boys to ask girls out for a date. I really do think it is hard to knock on a door or dial a number, but not hard enough to give up eternal salvation with a perfectly wonderful woman. I was writing a missionary today (not my missionary, just a missionary:) who fully believes I will be married before he gets back. I wrote back asking him how he plans for me to get married if I don't even go on dates? Hmmmmm? Well lucky for me our ward does a little arranged service dating (kind of like an arranged marriage without the commitment part). Two names are just picked out of a hat and before you know it those two people are sent out to serve. I was drawn just this weekend but that story will come your way tuesday.

I think dating is just a fun thing and the only thing in this society that will lead to eternal marriage. So what if a girl/boy kindly turns you down. Shake it off. Cross him or her off (the potential for eternal companion list). And move on to better prospects. More than likely there will be one date that will turn into two dates that will turn into an 20 dates that will continue into engagement and eternal life with an eternal companion. Then all the pain of rejection will be totally forgotten and loves pure bliss will take its place.

Post Script: What is the best date you have ever been on? Not necessarily the best person you have been on a date with, but the best activity/ plan that has ever been produced by a great mind?

Lucky I'm In Love With My Best Friend

Friendship week is almost over. But not without a short interview with my good friend and dear roommate Vivian Danella Zamora.

Vivian has a nickname in our room. She is The Friend. She acquired this nickname Freshman year. You see Viv has a way of easily connecting to people. She becomes friends with so many of the people she comes in contact with. It is a real, sincere, and deep friendship too. I asked her how she did it. She replied. "It helps that I am extroverted. But really in order for others to trust you and become friends with you, you must make some effort. You have to want to get to know them, and you have to trust them too. Then both parties have to give."

In her experience she has found that when relationships are not founded on friendship, it doesn't take very long for the "love" to wear off and to begin to see the person for who they really are. For better or for worse. She believe that building friendship first is the way you get to know the other person. And it is good to know the person you are giving your heart to.

We both agree when we say that friendship will help relationships last. When relationships are solely based on love, the love will eventually fade and there will be no friendship to fall back on.

Think about your best friends. Now consider what you do for them. Consider why you do it. When I think of my roommates and consider why they do my dishes on occasion, or help me during a stressful week to get things done, I come to this conclusion. Since we have developed such a deep friendship we have learned to love each other. That means we are willing to sacrifice for each other. We sacrifice unselfishly and unconditionally. This can be traced back to a solid foundation of friendship that is continually growing in our lives.

I want to end this week with the perspective of a general authority. Elder Hafen said:

"Be friends first and sweethearts second. University professor Lowell Bennion once said that relationships between young men and young women should be built like a pyramid. The base of the pyramid is friendship. And the ascending layers are built of things like time, understanding, respect, and restraint. Right at the top of the pyramid is a glittering little mystery called romance.

Now, you don’t have to be very smart to know that a pyramid won’t stand up very long if you stand it on its point instead of its base. In other words, be friends first and sweethearts later, not the other way around. Otherwise, people who think they are sweethearts may discover they can’t be very good friends, and by then it may be too late."

Best Friends Forever

This past weekend I left Provo for a couple of days to attend a family reunion. It was a lot of fun to take a quick break from school. I left Thursday night and got home in the early afternoon of Sunday. I pushed open the door with a backpack, bag, blanket, and pillow all in hand. I am sure I looked pretty exhausted and I definitely needed a shower. I stood their in the doorway to find my two good roommates/ best friends sitting on the couches. Ashley and Katie both exclaimed (yes it was an exclamation) "Mallory! We are so happy you are home." Right about then I felt pretty blessed to have such amazing roommates who miss me when I am gone and are sincerely happy when I get home. They are my best friends.

When I consider marriage I believe this is a perfect example of what I want. I want someone who will miss me and be sincerely happy when we are reunited every day. I want to be able to reciprocate these feelings. Obviously it might not be exclaimed every day, but it should be apparent in verbal expression and body language. I believe the sincere joy of seeing someone is something that grows out of deep friendship. Without a solid foundation of pure friendship, annoyances start to get in the way of being happy to be together.

Ah You're My Best Friend

Let's start at the very beginning because it is a very good place to start.

Before the journey of marriage and family life can even begin, a good foundation for a successful future comes in the form of friendship.

I don't know what everyone else desires in their eternal companion but I can tell you that I want someone who is my very best friend. Someone I have learned to trust with my little secrets. Someone who is easy to converse with. Someone who I can do adventurous things with. I want to have my friendship founded on laughter and joy. I want to be able to just have fun. I want to find similarities, hobbies, and goals that we have and are able to work towards together. I just want to be best friends. Forever friends. Friends that can be together for life and into the eternities.

A foundation built with friendship will strengthen a future relationship.

The Rough Draft

Within the next ten weeks, and maybe even into the beyond, I will present topics that are relevant to Marriage and Families. Some of the pending topics include...

~Dating

~Essentials of an Eternal Companion

~Relationships to Engagements

~Eternal Marriage

~Children: The Greatest Joy

~The Family A Proclamation to the World

~Extended Family Relationships

~Sacrifice

~Building Relationships

~Trust

~Continuing Courtship

These topics will probably vary, but the principles behind the topics are ever important in creating a successful family life. By studying these in a variety of ways we may be able to more fully implement them into the daily lives we live.

*Have a topic you want to see happen? Requests are definitely accepted and encouraged!

An Introduction

My name is Mallory Hart.

I am currently a Sophomore at Brigham Young University in Provo. I am majoring in the School of Family Life with an Emphasis in Marriage and Family Studies.

My qualifications are low, but my expectations are high. With this blog I hope to highlight the beautiful nature of the family. I hope to bring to light the truths about marriage and family life. In a world where Hollywood as well as other forms of media are sending skewed messages about the family, truths are lost. So many people, myself included, look to the media as a comparison of what family life should be. When they do not see in their own families what they see in the media they become discouraged and feel a sense of failure. Well failure is not an option, not in family life, not if you want to make it to the highest degree of the celestial kingdom and truly live happily ever after. Do not be discouraged for success is an option. Happiness can be achieved. Happily Ever After is quite a reality. I hope through this blog to focus on those things that will help us as families to reach our goals, find joy, build relationships, and remember the eternal nature of the family we are a part of.

The format of this blog will go a little something like this (with room for flexibility of course).

Sunday-I will choose a topic, or will have someone help me to choose a topic for the week. I will give personal opinions about the topic. I will try my best to use the knowledge I have gained in my area of study as well as personal experiences to discuss this topic with as much truth as I can muster.

Tuesday-I will give an example in real life of the topic of choice. It could be something I observe or a story I hear from someone else. This way we can see a truth in action.

Thursday-I will gain a second insight. This way you know I am not crazy. I believe in the power of a second witness. If for some reason no one on this planet agrees or adds anything to what I said on sunday I will humbly take back what was posted and set the record straight.

Marriages and families are probably one of the most important units in society, in communities, in personal lives. Let us continue to build our relationships with our siblings, spouses, cousins, grandparents, parents, everyone who is family. I hope this blog will inspire us to become better siblings, spouses, cousins, grandparents, parents, ect.